It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
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I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
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I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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