Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
