it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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