I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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