They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
oh god the rape fog is back!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
