when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
