my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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