Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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