Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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