i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
