No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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