I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
