I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
