I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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