tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
