I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
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If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
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He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You don't make any sense
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