Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
