They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
