ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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