some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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