i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
