From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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