Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Why is your signature on my underwear?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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