i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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