She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
