I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
