We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
