Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
