a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
