i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
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Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
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My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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