I think I am morally bankrupt
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
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I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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