i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
