Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
