The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
