If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
