I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
