I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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