found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
