i was born a porn star she said
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
