And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
