i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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