Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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