I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
