So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
