my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
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