I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
