I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
