I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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