1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
