I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
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I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
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I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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