3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
