he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I have fence marks all over my body
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
