it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
